We made it. We survived Year Voldemort....or the Year That Must Not Be Named. Today the babies turn One! I can't tell if that year was the fastest year ever, or if it went excruciatingly slow. Either way, we did it! What an exhausting, fabulous, emotional, and beautiful year it was. It was probably my favorite year, but I never, ever, ever....ever, want to do it again.
A year ago today was probably the scariest day of my life. I was nervous to have twins, but to have them 12 weeks early, was almost more than I could handle. Honestly, I felt a little robbed of the experience. I didn't get to be so humongous that people thought I was going to explode (my body is thankful for that, but my brain is still grumpy), I didn't get to hold my babies after they were born, I didn't get newborn pictures of them, I didn't get to bring them home for months, I didn't get to take them out and show them off, no one could visit them or meet them....I really, really struggled with all of these things. I put on a brave face, because that's what you do, but I really had a very long mourning process for the things I felt that we missed out on. There was a day, maybe two weeks after they were born, that I crawled into my closet, shut the door, and sobbed, for at least an hour. I sobbed while I prayed for them, I sobbed while I grieved what should have been, and I sobbed for how selfish I felt. During my sobfest, I prayed for strength, I bartered my own health for theirs, I made promises of eternal obedience if they would just be okay, and I prayed to know what on Earth I was supposed to learn.
I can happily say, that in my closet that day, I was sent comfort and peace. I didn't know what Tripp and Charlie's outcomes would be. I didn't know if they would live long enough for me to raise them, or to take them to soccer games, or go to their science fairs, or send them on missions, or watch them graduate college, but I knew at that moment, that they were mine, and always would be.
I prayed and prayed to know what I needed to learn from this experience, and today, I can tell you that I am truly grateful for the trials that were sent and for the amazing things I have learned about myself, and more importantly, about our Savior.
1. The first thing I learned was how to accept help. I like to do things myself. My own way. My own timing. Suddenly, I couldn't lift anything, drive anywhere, watch my older children, or even make myself a sandwich. I am so grateful for everyone who has lent a hand, an ear, a dinner, and countless other services over the past year. I am truly blessed and amazed at the generosity and mercy of many of those around me. People truly are wonderful and kind.
2. The second important lesson I learned is that my trials are minimal. There are plenty of people around me that have and are going through so much more than I could even imagine. Their strength has been an inspiration to me. Their attitudes have been something I have tried to emulate. No matter what difficult thing happens, someone else is going through something harder .
3. I learned about a hundred other lessons, but I feel the most important thing I learned was how to identify with Heavenly Father, and how to more deeply understand what Jesus Christ went through. Heavenly Father sent his precious son to Earth to be sacrificed for the rest of us. To atone for our sins. It had to be done. There wasn't another way for all of His children to return to Him. Heavenly Father knew that Jesus would suffer. He had to watch it all be done, and not interfere. It must have been excruciating to watch His child go through something so awful.
When I knew the babies were coming, I knew there was nothing I could do. It was awful to feel so helpless. The first time I saw them, I only got to look at them through the glass of their little isolettes where their tiny bodies lay fighting for every breath. I couldn't stop any of their pain, or their struggles. I couldn't hold them and kiss them. I couldn't do anything but whisper to them and tell them that I was there. I prayed they would have comfort, but that was as much as I could do. Heavenly Father's love for us and His desire to be with us again after this life must be so great. It is something that is so dear to me. I am so grateful for my Savior who made it possible for me to return to my Father in Heaven, along with my precious, sweet family.
Looking back at the last year, I realize how incredibly blessed we have been. Our babies are healthy. They are happy. They are full of mischief. They bring us constant joy. I can't imagine not having them in our family. They really have such a beautiful bond. They needed to come from heaven together. They are such special boys. I can't wait to see what they accomplish. They are strong. They are courageous. They are an unstoppable force. And they have our whole family wrapped around their darling little fingers. Happy Birthday, Tripp and Charlie!
